Dear younger me

Dearest Olivia at 7 years old,

I love you. I know you are in pain. You are questioning things. You are angry that your dad is poorly because you are scared of what that means. You don’t understand so much for all your fascinations with the “why” of everything, and that’s OK. You’re 7! You shouldn’t be having to process this, you should be colouring and playing like other 7 year olds. But I see you.

I see you crying. I feel your pain. I know that feeling but it’s going to be OK. I got you. You are loved and you are worthwhile.

I got you.

Dearest Livi at 15 years old,

It’s OK.

I mean, clearly it’s not OK; you feel pain that is more intense than ever before. You are so wracked by it you can’t breathe, you double over with nausea and try not to vomit. You are so lost. So sad. So angry. So hurt. You feel so broken but it’s OK because now I know, we know, this is normal.

You’ve lost your biggest cheerleader; your dad. You are allowed to be sad. You are allowed to cry. Cry. Mourn your father. You are normal. You are OK. How you feel is OK. You are not wrong for feeling. I get you. It hurts and it’s fucking awful and OK my god it hurts and it’s OK.

Dearest Livi at 21 years old,

You are not happy. This is not joy or love or freedom or happiness. I know you are so desperate to feel those things but this is toxic. God, what I would give to reach back in time and get you out. This isn’t healthy; these friendships, this relationship, this lifestyle. It gets so much better than this and without anyone else.

You deserve more. You are worth more.

This is not love, this is some fucked up relationship with no boundaries or respect, especially not for you. You deserve respect. You are worth more than whatever value others place on your body.

You are not an empty vessel. You deserve to have opinions. Your ballsy, brash, bossy traits are not bad, they do not need to be stuffed down to become a dutiful wife. That is who you are and who you are is perfect. Who you are is not shameful or bad or disappointing.

I love you for who you really are.

I love you for who you are. Now and underneath.

I love you for who you are.

Dearest me at 30 years old,

We got this.

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