Thoughts on suicide from someone who's been there

I want to die, here’s why I won’t

CW: suicide, politics

I don’t remember much, thank you mental illness, but I do remember seeing the Brexit result. I remember hosting a music evening that night. I remember considering suicide methods, working out what would actually work this time. I remember going to sleep happy because I knew it would soon be over.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t over. I was actually voluntarily (as in, if you don’t say yes, we’ll section you) held in hospital for a weekend.

Since then I have watched countless people die because of “it’s just politics.” I have watched people be beaten in the streets because “it’s just politics.” I have watched people be burned in their homes because “it’s just politics.” I have seen my “not normal” thinking be shown to be based entirely on fact, logic and reason every single day. I have seen humans prove over and over and over again, in ways small and large, that we don’t have humanity.

I never rebuilt my hope. It wasn’t possible to do so. In fact it solidified my opinion that hope is dangerous. Hopelessness became the solid foundation which I built my recovery on.

So when I heard the results of the election it only confirmed what I already thought would happen. I cried. I cried so hard I nearly threw up. I prayed to not wake up in the morning. I woke up in the morning and I cried some more. And I made a Christmas wish to not be here anymore. And I cried making lunch. And I felt the intense, soul-destroying pain of knowing that humans are evil. I felt helpless. I felt angry. But I never felt the loss of hope that I saw so many others experience.

Those people are the reason I’m only wishing. The people seeing the reality of humanity are the only reason I can find because they need hope. In the darkness, despair and deaths, they need to look around and see other people standing with them. Standing for them.

Do I think we’ll ever choose good over evil? No. I think hell will freeze over before that happens. But those people need to believe it’s possible to keep going, and they are good people. So as painful as it is to watch more people become more evil, to watch more humans suffer and die, and as much as I don’t want to be here to see it, I’m staying.

If you’re in the mood for more happy happy joy joy, here’s some other real fun but better things I’ve written:

Love doesn’t win

When good people do nothing

Love wins?

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