My fault

I’ve basically stopped blogging lately, mostly because I’m busy with work. I have an ever growing list of ideas which are yet to be written. However, looking for a plug, or whatever the word is, for my exercise ball I discovered a book of my old handwritten poems.

As much as I consider myself to be in recovery, find out how I use that term in my post about pride & anti-recovery, I am still mentally ill and I still very much want to be a part of the conversation about mental illness. I want my story to be out there, to help others, to shine a light on the reality of mental illness. So for the time being I’ll be sharing poems from when I was around rock bottom and the first one is entitled “My fault.” This was written as a teenager and, for clarity, my dad died of cancer but as a child I promised him I would cure cancer. It took me many years to truly understand & accept that he didn’t expect me to and that I didn’t need to feel guilty for not doing so.

CW: self harm.

My Fault

My fault
The world’s demise.

My fault
That everyone cries.

My fault
My father’s dead.

My fault
The ache in my head.

My fault
That mum is sad.

My fault
I lost my dad.

My fault
That I feel ill.

My fault
I need to chill.

My fault
Everything’s bad.

My fault
I can’t handle that.

My fault
I’m on my own.

My choice
To be alone.

My fault
That I am weak.

My fault
My fears I can’t speak.

My fault
That I self harm.

My problem
The cuts on my arm.

My fault
The world’s demise.

My fault
That everyone cries.

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