Writing this letter to you is harder than I thought it would be, and I knew it would be hard. The tears have been flowing since that first comma! It needs to happen though, for you to be boxed up, filed away, and for me to truly set aside all that you, and being you entails, it needs to be written.
I’m proud of you. I’m proud of you for fighting so god damn hard for every moment of life. I’m proud of you for fighting again after you tried to give up. I know, oh god do I know, how hard it was for you to take up that sword again, how heavy that burden was, the burden of life, of living. But it’s OK now, you can rest.
Thank you. Thank you for trying. Thank you for being. Thank you for fighting.
Thank you for being the donkey. For taking on the weight of the world, for absorbing every last negative word, for you have taught me empathy, sensitivity, kindness and understanding.
I love you. I love you for getting me through, for getting me to this point, for being with me through all that. I love you despite your errors, your missteps, and your pain. I love in spite of that. Because of that.
But now it’s time to leave all that has happened in the past where it belongs; in the past, and that means leaving you in the past too.
Now it is time to feel the fear and do it anyway. Now it is time to process the emotions and move on. Now it is time to grow into the woman I was born to be, and you are not that woman.
It’s OK. You were never meant to be that woman. You are the inner child. The young teen. The unfledged youth. And you will always remain with me, but just as a memory. Right now I need to spread my wings and take flight. To risk the fall. To make that leap, and you, you are too scared to make the leap of faith. I can’t be scared anymore.
So this is it. This is the point where I have to leave you. This is where we say our goodbyes. You were amazing. You are amazing. Keep being amazing, but rest. Rest, safe in the knowledge that I’ve got this. We’ve got this. This life thing, we’re going to nail it. It’s OK that you didn’t make it because you’ve done what you were put here to do. You’ve got me to this strong, confident place where I could figure this stuff out and that is bloody awesome. You did good kid, you really did.
Much love, always,