A few months ago I asked you to call me Trinity*. I wrote it as a follow up to my posts about confusion and feeling in between names. Then I had an emotional crisis and the whole name issue got put on the back burner.
Four sessions into therapy though, I found myself once again identity-less. During my sessions, and outside as ‘homework,’ we are working on my anxiety issues, but also on what could be in my ‘box of potential’ as a way to become more independent. The more I think about that, my box of potential, the more I realise that my lack of knowledge as to what is in the box could well be partly to do with my lack of identity. I don’t identify with my birth name, it isn’t me, it doesn’t feel like me, and the more it hangs around on me the more it feels like it is holding me back.
I appreciate that a large portion of wanting to change my name could be a desire for a fresh start, my birth name being attached to all those bad memories, but even if that is all it is, I want to distance myself from those memories and the feelings attached to them?
I think it’s a little of several things in my case; wanting a fresh start, feeling totally disconnected from my birth name and wanting to build my own identity.
As I mentioned before, I have always felt a certain disconnect from my birth name, but as a child it obviously didn’t occur to me that this would become a big issue; my parents named me and I lived with it. But as I grew older I realised I had options; options as to who I grew into, how I acted, what I believed, and I also realised that I had the option to change my name.
It has gradually become a bigger and bigger issue in my life. I am finding my way spiritually, I am slowly finding my way mentally, and soon I will be finding my way in life in general, but, before I step out into the world anew, I feel the drive for a new identity to present to the world.
I know a few important things about myself; I know I identify as female and pansexual. I know I love wearing make-up, and that I am passionate about dog agility training. I know I am a writer, not a talker. And I know that if cleanliness really is next to godliness then I have a serious problem in the afterlife!
And yet these are mostly all things that I have learned recently. And as I learn more about myself, who I am and how I identify, I feel less and less like my birth name. The more I learn about myself, the more I distanced I feel from that name, which I avoid typing or seeing because it upsets me so much.
My nickname, Livi, was bearable, it is distanced enough from the name itself for me to handle it, but it is still not me, not by a long shot.
So now, after much deliberating, speaking to my therapist and asking for input from my parents, I am changing my name to March.
Here’s to my new name being the solid foundation for me to build my identity on.
*Trinity didn’t stick for various reasons that I won’t be sharing here.