I’ve ummed and ahhed about writing this post and then I saw that The Prompt this week was confusion so I decided to go for it! I’m going to be a little elusive in it as I’m not ready to either make a firm decision, or even really knock the idea about properly with other people. It’s something that has been in my mind since childhood, but only seriously cropped up a year ago, and really seriously a few weeks ago.
Essentially it is regarding my identity, which I’ve written a lot about here on the blog. I’ve written about trying to create an identity that resonates with who I am inside, but I’m still dealing with a lot of confusion around my identity. In fact, someone suggested a grounding exercise to me which involved reeling off facts about yourself; name, age, etc, to remind you of who you are. I thought about it briefly before realising that I couldn’t really do it, I didn’t feel connected enough to myself to be able to list those details as fact. I didn’t feel real to me.
I have changed a lot over the past few years, I have spent a lot of time on self-discovery, figuring out who I want to be, how I want to appear and bringing my physical self into line with what I see in my mind’s eye. But there are things that I still need to work on, and one that may be a big change.
The problem is that I know some people wont understand it, important people in my life may be hurt by it, and I don’t want that. But at the same time, I need to figure myself out and become who I want to be.
So I’ve been thinking a lot, researching a lot, generally figuring it out in my head first before I decide whether to bring it up to people close to me, whether it’s something I really want and that I really feel will help me. But, until I’ve decided, I guess life will continue to be full of confusion.