WOW! I mean…wow…! I am stressed and I am struggling. My step-sister & her fella are staying for a week with us, it’s lovely to see them, it is, but damn is it hard. This is the joy of mental illness; nothing is easy, not even good things happen without bad consequences.
Let me say now that it is lovely to see my step-sister & her partner. They are both nice, friendly, good people who deserve a holiday. We get on well, they themselves are not stressful.
The issue is that, with mental illness, everything is difficult, and their visit meant me moving out of my room into my parents room, a change of room & bed, a change of routine, and not being able to relax…ever…while they are here.
They arrived on Monday and, since then I have been struggling. I had a stress headache on Wednesday, I got about 4 hours broken sleep on Monday night, my anxiety is playing up, my borderline feels like it’s starting to get a hold of me again, my mood dropped a lot on Monday though, fortunately, I picked myself up a little before they actually arrived. Everything is hard work at the moment.
It scares me that this normal…occurrence can throw me…off course
I took the dogs for a walk this evening and found myself muttering swear words to myself. I’m irritable, grouchy, highly strung, and it scares me. It scares me that this, this little, normal, everyday occurrence, can throw me so massively off course.
This isn’t some major life event, this isn’t a financial crisis, a death in the family, another health issue. This is family joining us for a little holiday. And this is when the negative self-talk kicks off; “I should be able to deal with this.” But I can’t.
It’s hard to explain. I know that, for the average person, this is an enjoyable experience, but for me it is so damn difficult. I don’t want to be grumpy and short with people, I don’t want to spend the time they are over hidden from them, but I don’t really have any other ways to deal with the situation.
Today we went to Nerja caves again, it was stunning but I couldn’t focus on enjoying it. The caves were busyish which set me on edge further, and I am tired, and, as I keep mentioning, irritable. I wanted to really soak up the cave atmosphere, to let myself enjoy it, but it didn’t happen.
This morning I pulled The Hermit, twice…Two different decks both had the same message. It accurately represents what I need right now; alone time, quiet time, time to be with myself and figure my way out of this blip. I need to be a hermit for a little while and regroup, restabilise.
But this is why it worries me; this is life! People come to visit people, people change beds, or rooms. People bump into you when places get busy. Routines change. Basically, life happens! What I need now, more than the medication I am on, is someone to give me tools, practical ways to manage in these situations, otherwise I will never be able to lead a functional life.
Stress gets to me so quickly, so easily. Such little things can cause massive problems for me because of my ‘issues’ and it is frustrating as much as it is worrying.
I know this is more than likely a lifetime illness for me, but I need to be able to manage it better when life happens so the stress doesn’t do quite as much damage to my stability.