This was going to be a really positive post. A post filled with happiness and joy and all good things. A post filled with gold.
But it’s not. Because tonight we are hosting a music evening for the local expats and a French friend. Tonight approximately twenty people will be in our house, in my house, my safe space, and I will be downstairs with them, taking photos, videos, socialising. Only I’m not.
Tonight I find myself hiding, again. Hiding in my room, listening to the noise, the laughter, the music, from afar.
Afar. That’s a good word. A safe word. It makes me feel detached, as if they can’t get me here.
I’m hiding because my anxiety has got the better of me, once again. It has been weeks since I went to, and took part in, an agility class with TiLi, my pupster. I have tried, and some days I have made it there only to not be able to get out of the car.
And now here I am; sat at my computer, cat on my bed, praying for midnight to come sooner rather than later so that all the people are gone. Breathing. Still breathing, just. Muscles tight, feeling faint and sick. Generally struggling.
It’s not easy this anxiety lark. It is ruining my life again in fact. The CBT I had while I was in the UK left me able to leave the house, but not alone. It was a massive improvement, it made me feel free again, but I plateaued. I got to that point where I couldn’t improve anymore, I was as better as I was going to get.
Anyway, all this leads me to right now. Going backwards. They tell you that it’s not going backwards, that it’s a cha-cha, that you’re getting ready to be fired forward…I don’t buy it anymore. It feels like I’m going backwards. I’m getting worse. I want to be better already, tomorrow, now, yesterday.
This all has nothing to do with the prompt, but my post was supposed to be about how I believe in myself and that I’m awesome and strong and a fighter. But I feel none of those things tonight. Tonight I feel like a failure.
But tomorrow I’ll start the fight again, because I do believe in me, deep down. I am strong, I am indestructible, I am gold.