self love

Body Image

BowsAbout 2 years ago I shared this image, I was learning to love my fat self, I was smaller then, even with 10lbs of weight loss under my belt now I was still smaller then, by quite a bit. But here’s the thing, I still felt fat. In fact, I’ve mentioned before, that I’ve always felt fat. When I was younger I was a size 12, for the longest time I was a size 12, pushing a 14 sometimes, but people thought I was hot, I got told I was hot, so even though I didn’t think I was hot myself, I knew other people thought I was.

Now I’m a size 18-20, I easily fit in the ‘plus size’ and ‘overweight’ or even ‘obese’ brackets. I am fat. I should, surely, not have an issue with it, having always seen myself as fat, if anything, now my body size and how my brain sees my body are in sync, I should be happier with my body, feel more like myself, but I don’t.

I long to be that ‘hot’ woman again, I long to fit in the ‘normal’ body shape bracket, to be deemed acceptable by society. If I’m honest, it’s the main reason I’m losing weight. Sure, it’s partly for my health, but it’s mostly for my vanity.

I digress, my point is this; body image has little to nothing to do with your actual body and how it looks. Body image is all in the mind and it is also fragile. My body image has always been pants, but I am still fighting to change it. I want to love my body for how it is, however it is.

When I stepped on the scales at my psychiatrist appointment this week and was told there was a 5kg loss I was thrilled, even though I have seen the small losses each week, to hear a health care professional say it was great, to see the grand total of 3 months work, it was a huge boost and my love for my body increased. I was proud but I was also happy with my body, I could see I looked better, more like myself. But, like I say, it’s a fragile thing and, in looking at photos for this post, I nearly cried in sadness, because seeing photos like the one above, of me smaller, looking good, or at least better, makes me realise how far I am from that, how far I have to go in my weight loss journey. And suddenly I dislike my body again, I dislike what I have let it become.

Do I have any tips for learning to love yourself and your body? Nope, I have nothing. No inspirational quotes or wise words. All I have is the knowledge that I am not alone, that many of you will feel similar.

I will keep fighting to love myself, I will keep trying, because I know I deserve it. My body deserves it.

If you have any top tips for boosting body confidence do let me know, I’d love to hear your advice and hopefully it will help me find that self love and love for my body that I want and need.

3 comments

  1. Dawn

    You should be proud of your achievements but it’s amazing how little it takes for us to be knocked back down again.
    I’ve always hated my body, at least since I started getting boobs. I was skinny when I was little but as I entered my teens and got a figure my body confidence plummeted. I’d look around at other girls and even though the majority were exactly like me I’d always fixate on the tall, skinny ones.
    I hated the fact that I had boobs, I’m not overly big but it still took me until I was 38 to learn to love the fact that I had a cleavage. I hated my belly, it was never flat, I’ve had kids so it’s not going to get any better, I’m learning now to appreciate it. I still don’t love it but the stretchmarks tell part of my life story. I hate the fact that I have no bum, that I have to wear a belt to stop my jeans falling down, I’m getting over that by wearing leggings which accentuate the little I do have (and I don’t have to worry about them falling down), I still wear long tops to cover it but I feel a bit better about it. I’m short, 5’5″ and I have to accept the fact that my growing days are over. I’m too tired and sore most days to do any other exercise apart from walking and my diet is rubbish. I’m never going to be tall and skinny but I am slowly learning to love myself and my body.
    The only bit of advice I can give is don’t give up, it can take a long time for some of us. Celebrate the achievements 🙂
    p.s. It’s not for everyone but I have found that posting pictures of myself makes me feel good.
    Good luck x

  2. Sheri

    I know exactly what you mean. I can tell you that you look great (which you do), and that your weight loss is a fantastic achievement (which it is), but I understand completely. Since I’ve lost weight, I’m told how great I look, but in my head I still need to lose more weight. I say “I’ve reached my doctor approved goal.” Which translates to “Crap, I still have 10 more pounds to go.” Even when I was at my perceived optimum weight, I did not see in the mirror what others saw, I was never thin enough. I don’t know if people like us ever learn to accept how we look at any age or weight, I certainly hope someday we will find a way to do so.

  3. Cheryl Pasquier

    I’ve just put this in my Sunday weigh-in post, but this summer, in Turkey, all the women over 30 were rocking the bikini look despite the oodles of wobbles and bulges on show. It really is all about loving yourself whatever your shape or size, but I know the hard part is believing it !

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