About 2 years ago I shared this image, I was learning to love my fat self, I was smaller then, even with 10lbs of weight loss under my belt now I was still smaller then, by quite a bit. But here’s the thing, I still felt fat. In fact, I’ve mentioned before, that I’ve always felt fat. When I was younger I was a size 12, for the longest time I was a size 12, pushing a 14 sometimes, but people thought I was hot, I got told I was hot, so even though I didn’t think I was hot myself, I knew other people thought I was.
Now I’m a size 18-20, I easily fit in the ‘plus size’ and ‘overweight’ or even ‘obese’ brackets. I am fat. I should, surely, not have an issue with it, having always seen myself as fat, if anything, now my body size and how my brain sees my body are in sync, I should be happier with my body, feel more like myself, but I don’t.
I long to be that ‘hot’ woman again, I long to fit in the ‘normal’ body shape bracket, to be deemed acceptable by society. If I’m honest, it’s the main reason I’m losing weight. Sure, it’s partly for my health, but it’s mostly for my vanity.
I digress, my point is this; body image has little to nothing to do with your actual body and how it looks. Body image is all in the mind and it is also fragile. My body image has always been pants, but I am still fighting to change it. I want to love my body for how it is, however it is.
When I stepped on the scales at my psychiatrist appointment this week and was told there was a 5kg loss I was thrilled, even though I have seen the small losses each week, to hear a health care professional say it was great, to see the grand total of 3 months work, it was a huge boost and my love for my body increased. I was proud but I was also happy with my body, I could see I looked better, more like myself. But, like I say, it’s a fragile thing and, in looking at photos for this post, I nearly cried in sadness, because seeing photos like the one above, of me smaller, looking good, or at least better, makes me realise how far I am from that, how far I have to go in my weight loss journey. And suddenly I dislike my body again, I dislike what I have let it become.
Do I have any tips for learning to love yourself and your body? Nope, I have nothing. No inspirational quotes or wise words. All I have is the knowledge that I am not alone, that many of you will feel similar.
I will keep fighting to love myself, I will keep trying, because I know I deserve it. My body deserves it.
If you have any top tips for boosting body confidence do let me know, I’d love to hear your advice and hopefully it will help me find that self love and love for my body that I want and need.