This weekend is the agility fun weekend. As I have been trying to sleep most nights for the past month, I have been worrying about taking part in it. I’m not worried that we (TiLi and I) wont be able to do the course, she rocks, she will be amazing, I’m worried that there will be people there, watching, judging.
It’s for fun, it’s for charity, I know this. I know that it doesn’t matter if we get a rosette or not (even though I’m pretty competitive and it does matter really), I know that people will probably be too busy watching TiLi and looking at how cute she is to take any notice of my handling skills, or lack of. I know that, even if people do judge me, it’s not my problem, it’s theirs.
But it is my problem, because my anxiety is gradually getting worse the closer it gets. Worse to the point that if I think about being in the ring I feel sick, my chest tightens, I feel on the verge of a panic attack.
Last year we got round it, we hadn’t long started training, so my mum did the courses with TiLi instead of me. This year that’s not really an option, the bond is between T and I, it’s me that’s been learning how to handle her, we’re a team. Team TiPot!
So I’m trying to emotionally prepare for the weekend, but it’s hard when I can’t even think about it without panic washing over me.
And to add to that, I’ve been asked, along with another volunteer, to take photos of the weekend. It’s an honour to be asked, of course, to think that someone thinks I can do it well enough, but my god is it scary too! I have zero faith in my ability to capture the goings on, the atmosphere, the action, and it’s added pressure because now I can’t wuss out at the last minute, or go home early.
So I’m preparing for that too, charging camera batteries, wiping SD cards, praying that I’ll be good enough…
Let’s hope my preparation isn’t for nothing. Let’s hope that my anxiety is under control this weekend. Let’s hope…