I wrote the other day about how I was finding my identity, despite my Borderline Personality Disorder, and that all still stands. But today I woke up feeling emotionally vulnerable. Very emotionally vulnerable. Like an emotional open wound. I feel super sensitive, everything is upsetting me, for no good reason.
Stupidly, knowing I felt this way, I checked my online dating messages, I had one from a guy I’ve never spoken to before which just said, “Fake, fake fake.” It hurt. A lot. I think I did it on purpose, I was emotionally self-harming; I knew the chances of there being an upsetting message on there were high, there usually is, and I checked anyway. BPD 1 – 0 Livi
The cat upset me too; climbing my legs, launching at my legs, biting, scratching, launching at TiLi, the pup, and grabbing on to her beard. I’m angry at her, I’m upset by her, I like her even less than usual.
I know I sound petty, grumpy, awful, but it’s how I feel. It is an emotional sensitivity, an emotional rawness, that cannot be understood. It cannot really be explained, anymore than you can properly explain love, or hate, or any other emotion, you just have to feel it.
It is raw, that’s the best way I can think to describe it. Like my emotional nerves are all exposed, every word, every action, brushing against one nerve or another.
I used to live like this, day in, day out. Now I do have periods of ‘normality,’ times where I can laugh off things that would upset me in this state, times I can deal with hurtful comments or stressful things. But not now. Not right now.
Right now, today, I feel sensitive and raw, and nothing I can do will change that. Like depression, or an anxiety attack, I just have to ride it out. Maybe I will spend some time crying tonight, maybe I will feel that red, burning, anger surge through me, maybe it will pass with no great crescendo. Who knows. I just hope it doesn’t see me doing or saying something I regret.
It will pass though, and I will feel ‘normal’ again. But for now I am feeling sensitive. Please be careful with your words.