“It is a happy talent to know how to play.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
I wouldn’t say I really know how to play or be silly. I am quite a serious person, whether that is just who I am or as a result of my mental illness I don’t know, but that’s how it is.
I play with the dogs of course, mostly with TiLi because she’s the one who wants to chase toys, Rupert thinks he’s far too mature for that now! I throw balls for the cat too, and try to entertain her. The big difference between me doing those things, and most other people doing them, is that I always feel like a fool doing them. I feel stupid, I feel awkward, I feel like I will be mocked for it.
I do it anyway, of course I do, because TiLi and Tinks, and Rupert, all deserve to be played with, no matter how awkward I feel about it, but I do wish I could shake that feeling and really enjoy the silly times with them.
I wonder about my future too, should I have kids, will I be able to teach them to play? Will my feelings rub off onto them? I don’t want to raise uptight, serious children. I think it’s important to have a sense of humour in this world, I guess I realise how important it is because I don’t have one.
I’m not sure I’ll ever change, I’ll go through the motions but I’ll always feel like a prat, a numpty, a fool. And I know my life will be all the poorer for it. But how do you learn to enjoy playtime? Where do you start?