Mrs TeePot august 2015

BPD: Finding my identity

I wrote last year about how BPD was stealing my identity, how I didn’t know who I was or what I liked.

Well, this year I think I am slowly learning. I’m learning that I like short hair, and piercings. I am learning that I am sensitive to the textures of foods, and that I am also sensitive to people and their words. I am learning that I am quite liberal and open minded, that I do believe in equality, and that I am affected by other people’s suffering.

I am still not sure on a lot of things, it is a long job, figuring out who you are, but I am getting there.

It would be easier, I think, if I lived alone, and could spend a year or so with little contact with other people. That’s the problem with BPD, well, one of them; it makes you chameleon like, you take on the characteristics and ideals of those around you. It’s not a conscious thing, which makes it very difficult to stop doing it, and I do fear that, should I find a partner, I will find myself morphing into their ideal again rather than continuing my quest to find myself, but the only way I can try to avoid that is to figure out who I am before I get into another relationship, and I’m too impatient to wait!

I’m proud that I am finally figuring some of this stuff out, but I am scared too. Scared that I will forget, that it will be lost again. I think about writing it down, keeping notes, but then I think how silly that seems; who keeps a note of what they like and who they are? I would need a huge book anyway, there’s so much that makes up a person, how would I organise it? How would I know which part of me was on which page? It’s a ridiculous idea, isn’t it?

I’m not sure what the point of this post is… I just found myself feeling quite borderline and wanted to write about my progress. It’s a lifelong thing for me, this illness, along with the others, I know it is, and that sucks, but I am slowly learning to live with it, and to tease out what is me and what is the illness.

I guess I just wanted you to know I’m OK right now, I’m making progress, and there is hope.

3 comments

  1. Dawn

    I’ve only just recently started to figure out who I am, and that will probably change 🙂
    We all change our minds all the time, I never knew what I wanted to do when I grew up, I still don’t know (I’m 48)
    I know you have this blog but have you tried keeping a journal, a handwritten one? I’ve tried off and on over the years but the last few months I’ve been a bit more serious with it. So serious I now have several different ones depending on what I’m writing about (I have issues with categorising things) I find it helps me figure out the things I have going on in my head. And there’s an awful lot of rubbish in there – I’m just not very good at decluttering unless I write it out of my head.
    Mental health issues suck, I’ve had depression most of my life and it’s so hard to get people to even acknowledge that these things exist never mind understand how difficult they can make life.
    x

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Thanks for your lovely comment.
      I actually started keeping a handwritten journal as my New Year’s Resolution this year and write in it every evening, I wonder if that is what is helping me slowly figure out who I am.
      I’m sorry that you have depression, it is a really difficult illness to live with.

  2. Sheri

    I can relate to this on so many levels. When I escaped from my abuser I had to figure out who I was; when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, my self-perspective got shuffled around; and when I recently told I had BPD “tendencies” I was thrown for a loop. I think self-discovery is a never-ending process.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: