I wrote last year about how BPD was stealing my identity, how I didn’t know who I was or what I liked.
Well, this year I think I am slowly learning. I’m learning that I like short hair, and piercings. I am learning that I am sensitive to the textures of foods, and that I am also sensitive to people and their words. I am learning that I am quite liberal and open minded, that I do believe in equality, and that I am affected by other people’s suffering.
I am still not sure on a lot of things, it is a long job, figuring out who you are, but I am getting there.
It would be easier, I think, if I lived alone, and could spend a year or so with little contact with other people. That’s the problem with BPD, well, one of them; it makes you chameleon like, you take on the characteristics and ideals of those around you. It’s not a conscious thing, which makes it very difficult to stop doing it, and I do fear that, should I find a partner, I will find myself morphing into their ideal again rather than continuing my quest to find myself, but the only way I can try to avoid that is to figure out who I am before I get into another relationship, and I’m too impatient to wait!
I’m proud that I am finally figuring some of this stuff out, but I am scared too. Scared that I will forget, that it will be lost again. I think about writing it down, keeping notes, but then I think how silly that seems; who keeps a note of what they like and who they are? I would need a huge book anyway, there’s so much that makes up a person, how would I organise it? How would I know which part of me was on which page? It’s a ridiculous idea, isn’t it?
I’m not sure what the point of this post is… I just found myself feeling quite borderline and wanted to write about my progress. It’s a lifelong thing for me, this illness, along with the others, I know it is, and that sucks, but I am slowly learning to live with it, and to tease out what is me and what is the illness.
I guess I just wanted you to know I’m OK right now, I’m making progress, and there is hope.