This week has been a struggle for me, I was due to have my third ergotherapy session on Tuesday and, like the first time, I just couldn’t do it. I made it to the hospital meeting point again but broke down in tears. The lady who runs the group told me that, as next week is a holiday, it was important I do it this week, despite knowing she was right I just didn’t have it in me to face it. My anxiety was in total control of me.
The tears didn’t stop on the way home either. In fact, once I got home I went to my room and just cried so hard, from anger that I am in this mess, frustration at myself and my illness, and generally feeling a failure. A part of me knows that I haven’t failed because I am still fighting, but I get so mad at myself for not being able to just get a grip and do it.
On Thursday I had a meeting with the lady who runs the ergotherapy sessions, I was pretty anxious about that too as I wasn’t 100% sure if it was just a meeting or whether I would be expected to do the session. It was, thankfully, just a meeting, and she was very kind; she gave me the option of switching to a different session, she told me to try positive self talk before my ergotherapy sessions, to try and not feed into my anxiety by saying “I can’t do it.” Easier said than done for sure, but still worth a try. We are also planning to start one to one sessions of hand and face massage and breathing exercises in September. I’ll no doubt struggle with that too, but I’m hoping it will help me learn to relax around people and give me some techniques to use to relax when I feel myself panicking.
And today, Friday, is the day the Tour de France passes our little village. We’re off for lunch with some of the expats before it and then we’re wandering up to the road to watch it pass. I’m struggling a bit today too with not knowing how many people will be at the road watching, generally not knowing what to expect and if I’ll manage to deal with the possible crowds. I’m hanging on to the the fact the bar will hopefully be quiet and I can go and hide there if there are too many people…I’m hoping…failing that I can always walk home.