This week has been tough. I could have chosen a myriad of negative words for this week, but I went for one that may seen a little strange; Hair. I chose Hair this week for reasons I hope I managed to get across in yesterday’s poem on hair.
After my huge success with ergotherapy I thought my word for the week would be something sickeningly positive, but it wasn’t to be sadly, and the stress and anxiety caused by my ergotherapy session led to a really difficult few days. Initially I called it a relapse because I felt so confused and mentally ill again, but maybe it wasn’t, maybe it was just a little blip along the road to recovery.
Anyway, the blip saw me frantic to shave my head again, digging around my room trying to find my electric razor, only to realise it was dead! Probably a good thing, but at the time it didn’t feel that way.
So I had my hair cut short again, by my hairdresser, and it helped, thank God! My emotions have eased and I feel more stable again now.
I am also tentatively thinking that I prefer my hair short. I feel more myself with it short, at least right now. See, that’s part of the symptoms of BPD; unstable sense of self, not knowing who you are, being chameleon-like around people. So learning who I am outside of my illness is a long, slow, and somewhat scary process. But I think I’m fairly confident right now in saying that I like my hair short, I prefer it short.
So that’s my word of the week this week. Here’s to hoping that I remain stable for a long period of time again now.