They tell you, don’t they, that you will regret the things you didn’t do and not the things you did.
I call bullshit.
Honestly, I regret almost everything I’ve ever done, and the stuff I didn’t. And I regret it all equally.
Most of all I regret relationships. Years of time wasted on the wrong people, on people who, I’m told, didn’t deserve me. I didn’t listen to my intuition, my biggest mistake. Had I believed my gut I would have avoided the pain, the wasted years, the heartache.
I regret the things I say: I say some stupid things, out of context things, I fall over my words in many situations, I look like a fool.
I regret how I look: each day I do my make-up and feel ok about it, I snap that selfie and post it, and then a few days later I regret it. I look awful, I see this vain, ugly woman trying desperately to appear beautiful. I definitely regret putting on all this weight.
I regret how I behave: not just when I am ill, not just the times I worried and scared people with my behaviour, but all of it. I regret being too quiet or too loud, too ‘normal’ or too different, too agreeable or too outspoken.
I regret it all, every moment of my life. It is hard to live like that, to live in a mind that wont let you win. To fight it each day, trying to be ok with yourself.
Yesterday I wrote a letter to my anxiety and to myself, I wrote that it was ok to not have gone all in, to have taken the baby steps. But I regret that, my mind regrets that post, it regrets not somehow getting past the fear and going on that walk, it regrets the breakdown I had in front of those in the group, it regrets the mess I became. But if I’d done it, I would regret it anyway, I’d regret what I said to the people in the group, I would regret what I’d worn, how I looked, how I acted. I can’t win.
But I don’t regret these things, at least I don’t think I do. My mind does, but I, for one of the few times in my life, am proud of what I achieved yesterday, despite the headache & general exhaustion that I am feeling today. I don’t want to live my life regretting things, running through each day, each interaction, in my head over and over, judging myself. That’s not ok, that’s not normal, that’s not healthy.
In time it will change, I hope. In time, maybe in a few years, I will look back on this post and smile at how far I have come. I will regret nothing, because regretting achieves nothing, I am not learning from my regret, I am just emotionally destroying myself with it.
There is no point to this post, but maybe some of you out there understand this feeling. Maybe I just want to hear that I’m not alone, or that things will get better, that one day I will be able to stop feeling so much regret.