I write this after 1 and a half vodka & oranges…
I am worried.
When I was a teen and a young 20 something I went out binge drinking fairly regularly. I had a fabulous time, but it was bad for my liver, and honestly, my mental health wasn’t so great either.
Then I settled down with a partner, I quit drinking after we’d been together a few years so we could start a family. Then he left, my mental illness went…well…mental…and I moved to France.
Since I’ve been here I’ve been mostly tee-total, drinking on special occasions, and not to excess, except on New Year’s Eve, but that was on Google Hangouts with friends, and I’m in my twenties, it’s allowed, right?!
But now, this past two months, I see myself sliding into drink. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking back whiskey at 10am, I’m not even drinking every day, or every week, but the feelings & thoughts I have when drinking worry me. See, when I’ve had a drink I feel more myself, I don’t feel bound by my mental illness, I don’t feel trapped by my anxieties. I feel…happy.
I know that’s normal, I know that alcohol frees you of your inhibitions, but I also know that using alcohol to feel ‘normal’ will get you slapped with an alcoholic label faster than you can do a shot!
Alcoholism scares me. In fact, addiction in general scares me. And I don’t want to go down that road. But right now I feel so desperate to feel myself that I am letting go. I’m letting down the walls I put up between alcohol and me and I am enjoying the tipsy feeling far too much.