I often wonder. I wonder what life would be like without mental illness, how I would be, who I would be. I daydream of what I would be doing, what I would be able to do if I didn’t have this curse.
It’s a dangerous thing really, it feeds my depression, I know it does, but it’s hard to stop your brain playing out that life that could have been, that should have been. Of course, it leads to the “why me?” attitude, but then I suppose, why not me? Why should it be someone else?
In those moments, when I’m leading the life I want to live, I feel such a mix of emotions; happy and at peace, enjoying the moment, but also angry, sad and frustrated that it is not my reality.
I wonder what would be different if my life had played out differently too. Would I be this much of a mess if I hadn’t been bullied? If my Gran, and then my Dad, hadn’t died? Or would I still have grown up to be ‘crazy?’
It doesn’t do to get into these wonderings, but when you wish so hard that your life was different it’s easier said than done to get out of them.
What do you wonder about?