The Prompt: Wonder

I often wonder. I wonder what life would be like without mental illness, how I would be, who I would be. I daydream of what I would be doing, what I would be able to do if I didn’t have this curse.

It’s a dangerous thing really, it feeds my depression, I know it does, but it’s hard to stop your brain playing out that life that could have been, that should have been. Of course, it leads to the “why me?” attitude, but then I suppose, why not me? Why should it be someone else?

In those moments, when I’m leading the life I want to live, I feel such a mix of emotions; happy and at peace, enjoying the moment, but also angry, sad and frustrated that it is not my reality.

I wonder what would be different if my life had played out differently too. Would I be this much of a mess if I hadn’t been bullied? If my Gran, and then my Dad, hadn’t died? Or would I still have grown up to be ‘crazy?’

It doesn’t do to get into these wonderings, but when you wish so hard that your life was different it’s easier said than done to get out of them.

What do you wonder about?

mumturnedmom

4 comments

  1. Lisa from Lisa's Life

    The “why me?” and “what if?” questions are such easy questions to ask aren’t they. I try reminding myself that so many people have it so much worse but that is no help or comfort during a blue mood is it?!

    Sending hugs x

  2. Sheri

    I was just thinking about this last night. Whenever I try to find a starting point, I can’t. I end up going further and further back right before each significant change, trauma, or bad choice. I always end up to a point I had no control over, so it becomes an incredibly depressing exercise in futility. Bipolar Disorder was and alwas will be in the picture. But I will tell you that my big dream in High School was that I would go to school at the Sorbonne, become an interpreter at the United Nations, meet a wealthy Count, or some such person, who would buy a large portion of Prince Edward Island, where I would have an artichoke farm, several St. Bernards, an Italian stable boy, and drive a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud. Ridiculous, I know, but even though life got in the way and none of it happened, it still makes me smile that there was a point in my life where I could dream. I wonder…would I have been happy? If I could have genetically erased bipolar disorder from the picture, then perhaps I might have been.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      *big hugs* Oh Sheri, that’s a wonderful dream to have had. I hope you find a way to be really happy without the Rolls Royce and the artichoke farm.

  3. Sara (@mumturnedmom)

    Even those of us who are not dealing with mental illness ask these questions, I wonder if it is part of the human psyche to always wonder ‘what if?’. To never quite be satisfied or in the moment. It ties you in knots though, doesn’t it? Thanks so much for sharing with #ThePrompt x

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