afraid

Depression: on being snuck up on

Today I woke up feeling a bit off. Something wasn’t sitting quite right, but I drew my daily Tarot card (7 pentacles), got dressed and headed downstairs for breakfast. That was where things began to hit the fan. I’ve been trying to eat less, only a little less, but less; I’ve mostly been failing, but I try. Today I poured my muesli into my bowl, and then I realised there wasn’t much left in the bag…so I finished it.

Why? Why did my brain think that was the right thing to do? Why could I not stop myself doing that?

I ate it, all of it, and felt overfull afterwards. It was a mistake, a fall off the wagon, but it appears to have been the start of a rough morning. Maybe a rough day, we’ll see how it turns out.

Anyway, while eating breakfast the news was on and they mentioned BBC Right Diet¬†where you can take a test to see what kind of eater you are and therefore what diet (not fad diet, just change in diet) will suit your needs. I headed over there, found my BMI was obscenely high and that I’m a ‘feaster’ and in need of high protein, low GI foods. Looking through the suggested recipes, and letting the facts sink in, I cried a little. Just a few tears, as we know I struggle to cry thanks to my meds. I cried for the fact that most of the recipes suggested were spicy and I don’t like spice, the fact I could try them without spice didn’t occur until later. I cried because I know I need to stop putting on weight, but am too terrified to weigh myself now because the scales always tell me I’ve put on. I cried because I don’t want to be a big blob any more, but it’s so damn hard when I can’t stop eating.

After my little cry, I tried to install some more stuff on my PC, it kept failing. Generally everything I touched seem to be falling apart.

I’m trying to make this afternoon better, to move forward from it, but I worry that my depression has snuck up on me and it may take some time for me to beat it back again.

So now I’m going to light a candle on my altar, do a little yoga and try and practice some self love, because much as I don’t feel I deserve it, I know I need it.

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