Thoughts on suicide from someone who's been there

An open letter to those who love me

Dear everyone who cares,

Today I read a post about a young girl who took her own life, you can read that post here. I cried my way through that post despite not knowing the child, or the family, I cried because I nearly put my own family through that pain. I cried because, on several occasions, I tried to die by suicide* thinking that it was the best thing for everyone; me and my family and friends.

Reading that post it suddenly clicked. Suddenly I understood what my family and friends could have gone through had I died by suicide*, the pain that they, you, would have had to endure.

So this post is an apology, a heartfelt apology from the deepest part of my being, a post to say that I am so sorry that you nearly had to deal with what Jenny and her family are now dealing with.

I am sorry that I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. That I didn’t reach out.

But mostly I am sorry that it could happen again, because I have no control over these wild, intense emotions.

I don’t know whether I need to apologise, if I had cancer would I apologise for putting you through emotional pain? I don’t know. But I feel sorry, I feel the need to say something to you, to let you know that I don’t mean to cause this hurt.

All I wanted to say is that I know you are there for me and I know you are suffering too. And ultimately, if the worst does happen, I’m sorry for that too, because I don’t want to put you through that at all, but my brain isn’t logical and when those emotions hit it often feels like suicide is the only way.

Lots of love,


*edited in 2018 to remove the phrase “committed suicide.”

1 comment

  1. Sheri

    This really touched me. I’ve been there. No matter what people tried to say, I just didn’t care. I didn’t think they’d be better off, I just selfishly didn’t care about anyone or my life anymore. Like you said, I can’t say it won’t happen again, but maybe I’ll think about the effect on those left behind just a little more.

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