Thoughts on suicide from someone who's been there

An open letter to those who love me

Dear everyone who cares,

Today I read a post about a young girl who took her own life, you can read that post here. I cried my way through that post despite not knowing the child, or the family, I cried because I nearly put my own family through that pain. I cried because, on several occasions, I tried to die by suicide* thinking that it was the best thing for everyone; me and my family and friends.

Reading that post it suddenly clicked. Suddenly I understood what my family and friends could have gone through had I died by suicide*, the pain that they, you, would have had to endure.

So this post is an apology, a heartfelt apology from the deepest part of my being, a post to say that I am so sorry that you nearly had to deal with what Jenny and her family are now dealing with.

I am sorry that I didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. That I didn’t reach out.

But mostly I am sorry that it could happen again, because I have no control over these wild, intense emotions.

I don’t know whether I need to apologise, if I had cancer would I apologise for putting you through emotional pain? I don’t know. But I feel sorry, I feel the need to say something to you, to let you know that I don’t mean to cause this hurt.

All I wanted to say is that I know you are there for me and I know you are suffering too. And ultimately, if the worst does happen, I’m sorry for that too, because I don’t want to put you through that at all, but my brain isn’t logical and when those emotions hit it often feels like suicide is the only way.

Lots of love,

Livi

*edited in 2018 to remove the phrase “committed suicide.”

1 comment

  1. Sheri

    This really touched me. I’ve been there. No matter what people tried to say, I just didn’t care. I didn’t think they’d be better off, I just selfishly didn’t care about anyone or my life anymore. Like you said, I can’t say it won’t happen again, but maybe I’ll think about the effect on those left behind just a little more.

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