I’m back playing the dating game again, I feel, well, felt, in a place where I was strong enough to handle the knock backs, the jackasses and the charmers. Only now I realise that I’m probably not, and may never be, strong enough to date.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve blogged about it before many times, and part of that is an “unstable sense of self” and “black and white thinking.” When you combine these two things and throw dating into the mix, maybe you can already see why I’m struggling.
I had a date last Thursday, it went well; he brought flowers, he was a gentleman, he didn’t push, we chatted a lot, we want similar things. We’ve been texting a lot since, keeping in touch, and I feel myself changing a bit.
I struggle to keep a hold of my emotions, and right now, while I’m not saying I’m in love, no no no, I’m just saying I feel…invested I suppose. I feel that I shouldn’t see anyone else as that would be cheating, and I feel that he is wonderful.
Don’t get me wrong, he was wonderful; he said all the right things, did all the right things, but there are issues, or at least there may be if we did get serious. And even though I know that, logically, in my sensible brain, these issues are there, my borderline self just wont see it. There’s no talking to my borderline, it wont listen, and I worry that I’m heading for another car crash relationship.
In addition I feel myself wanting to change for him, mimic his ideals. Although I think we have similar ideals anyway, I don’t know because I still haven’t really established who the hell I am on my own, and I’m trying to hold onto what I think are my morals and opinions, I feel them slipping. My borderline needs someone with a strong sense of self, and he certainly has that, to make me feel secure, to make me feel like I have a strong sense of self.
So now I’m in a pickle. We’re planning another date for August, and there are other people I know I should date in the meantime, but I don’t know what will happen if I do go on other date; will I become totally confused by my feelings and implode? Will I spend my time switching between personalities while texting each different person? Will I be able to figure out who suits me best?
Dating is hard for everyone, I know that. But dating on the borderline feels impossible right now.