If you’re friends with me, or follow me, on Facebook you may have seen the following status appear in your newsfeed:
“From now on the focus in my life is on happiness (my happiness) and self acceptance. I need to focus on this stuff, properly.”
I got a lot of support on said status, thank you for that, but I wanted to blog a little about how it is proving to be hard for me to put into action.
As you all know, I have various mental health problems, mostly they’re under control nowadays thanks to my medication and a great psychiatrist, but I still get downs and I still have pretty serious anxiety issues, and that means that believing that I actually deserve happiness is tough.
But this year, on my birthday, I decided things had to change, and I am determined to make that change happen. I am refocusing from a desire to marry & have chilren (I wrote about that a little yesterday) to a desire to just be happy. Of course I want to be happy in the future too and I realise that that will require long term goals, but right now my focus is on being happy in the present, because I have the present and I may not have the future, and also you have to start somewhere!
So this is how I’m starting; I’m listening to my confidence pod each evening to work on my self confidence and hopefully ease some of my anxieties. I am hoping it will help me believe that I deserve to be happy, that I am *swooshes hair* worth it. And I am letting go of other people’s expectations of me, at least I’m trying to. That will be a long battle, many of us have a natural to please those we care about, and of course to fit in. Well I don’t fit in, not with the ‘normal’ people, and I’m learning to be ok with that too.
I am refocusing my friendship groups too; working on building better friendships with people who are on the same wavelength as me, who want similar things to me and understand me more. That doesn’t mean that I’m abandoning everyone else, just that I need more people in my life who are ok with the real me.
So basically my life is undergoing a pretty drastic overhaul and I hope you’ll stick with me on my journey. Naturally I’ll be blogging it; how I’m doing, what’s working, what I’m finding tough.
And right now the toughest thing is believing that I do deserve to be happy and that I deserve to be loved. I need to learn that there are people out there who will, and do, like me for who I really am, and that I shouldn’t try to prove they don’t by pushing them away, but embrace them and love them back.