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Refocusing

If you’re friends with me, or follow me, on Facebook you may have seen the following status appear in your newsfeed:

“From now on the focus in my life is on happiness (my happiness) and self acceptance. I need to focus on this stuff, properly.”

I got a lot of support on said status, thank you for that, but I wanted to blog a little about how it is proving to be hard for me to put into action.

As you all know, I have various mental health problems, mostly they’re under control nowadays thanks to my medication and a great psychiatrist, but I still get downs and I still have pretty serious anxiety issues, and that means that believing that I actually deserve happiness is tough.

But this year, on my birthday, I decided things had to change, and I am determined to make that change happen. I am refocusing from a desire to marry & have chilren (I wrote about that a little yesterday) to a desire to just be happy. Of course I want to be happy in the future too and I realise that that will require long term goals, but right now my focus is on being happy in the present, because I have the present and I may not have the future, and also you have to start somewhere!

So this is how I’m starting; I’m listening to my confidence pod each evening to work on my self confidence and hopefully ease some of my anxieties. I am hoping it will help me believe that I deserve to be happy, that I am *swooshes hair* worth it. And I am letting go of other people’s expectations of me, at least I’m trying to. That will be a long battle, many of us have a natural to please those we care about, and of course to fit in. Well I don’t fit in, not with the ‘normal’ people, and I’m learning to be ok with that too.

I am refocusing my friendship groups too; working on building better friendships with people who are on the same wavelength as me, who want similar things to me and understand me more. That doesn’t mean that I’m abandoning everyone else, just that I need more people in my life who are ok with the real me.

So basically my life is undergoing a pretty drastic overhaul and I hope you’ll stick with me on my journey. Naturally I’ll be blogging it; how I’m doing, what’s working, what I’m finding tough.

And right now the toughest thing is believing that I do deserve to be happy and that I deserve to be loved. I need to learn that there are people out there who will, and do, like me for who I really am, and that I shouldn’t try to prove they don’t by pushing them away, but embrace them and love them back.

2 comments

  1. lari

    I have found two things to be helpful.

    One is the realisation that I was putting so much pressure on myself to be happy, I was actually creating unhappiness for myself. The need became it’s own peculiar form of suffering. This was actually a sudden, powerful insight and I physically felt a weight, previously unseen, leave my chest.

    The other was something a Buddhist nun said to me. “We always say when…when this arrives in my life, I will be happy. When this leaves my life, I will be happy.”

    Her point was that we put so many conditions on happiness, it rarely has a chance to occur. The specifics we give it before we welcome it in are just too specific. So I have tried to make my basis of happiness a little less conditional.

    Of course, common sense tells me that some conditions are more conducive to others. But I try to let go of a narrow band of specific circumstances…to give happiness a broader path and doorway in.

    With my own particular MH issues this involved reworking the relationship I have with the pain, to see it as a wound and not an enemy. This in turn allows qualities like compassion and kindness to replace the tension and aggression that was my lot when I lived on a permanent war footing with that part of my brain that is always, and will always be, traumatised.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Oh yes, I can absolutely relate to all of this. Thank you for sharing

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