My mum recently said, in response to my getting stressed about having to do my cours de code and French homework, “There are people who work full time.”
Now sure, she has a point, I follow some of those people on Twitter. I follow people who manage to juggle parenthood, work, blogging and a social life. But I also follow people who struggle to get up in the morning and take care of themselves. The difference between most of those people is their mental health.
While I know that there are people who suffer mental ill health and still manage to work/parent/live, many of us are not in a place to be able to do that. I am not in a place to do that. While I would dearly love to bring in some money to the family, to live independently, to have a life, I can’t.
At the moment I am doing my cours de code (the French driving theory), volunteering at a local school 1 afternoon a week and having French lessons. In between I blog and write for BritMums once a month. Sure to your average Jo(e) that doesn’t seem a lot. It seems like nothing. But to me it’s too much.
Since having taken on the driving and the school I have found my mental health deteriorate rapidly; anxiety attacks, depression and a return to many of the Borderline symptoms that were under control before.
I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to be stuck doing the minimum amount of things just so I don’t become suicidal and end up in hospital again, but I do have to accept that there is a limit to what I can do and I need to take baby steps, and sometimes I will need to take backwards steps, to move forward. I need to take time out to look after myself and I need people to understand so that when I can’t deal with things they don’t push them on me anyway.
Anyway, being as something had to give I’ve quit my diet and have pretty much taken up napping as a full time job again. I’m eating like a trouper too. But that’s how it goes. I can’t quit anything else so the diet is binned and I’m going to let myself comfort eat because feeling better is more important right now.
Self care is where it’s at.