Suicide poetry 2013

On Suicide

It has come to my attention that today is World Suicide Prevention Day so I figured, hey, let’s talk about suicide.

CW: suicide, intense emotional pain, self harm.

depressionI’ve attempted suicide several times, I’ve been rushed to A&E, I’ve had the police called to stop me, I’ve been that friend sending the goodbye messages because I couldn’t let go without letting those who meant something to me know I loved them. I’ve sat in floods of tears at the realisation that self harm no longer helped, thinking that there was no way out, desperate to end the emotional pain.

Because for me that’s what it was about, finding a way out. When you’ve lived with mental illness for X years, when you’ve fought it every damn day and not got any better, there comes a point when you feel you can’t do it anymore. For me that point came several times before I truly got the help I needed, rather than the temporary help to get past that critical point.

One of the big difficulties with suicide is that there are a lot of times when there is no talking someone out of it. A friend messaged me her experiences and I found myself nodding along through her email, she told me how no matter what anyone said; “think of the pain you’ll leave behind, your children, family, friends,” she could not see past the blackness of her own existence.

Having been on both sides I know exactly where she’s coming from. Trying to talk someone out of suicide is an incredibly difficult job, as my friend said, they have to find their way out the darkness themselves. All you can really do is be there for them, listen to them, love them and hope that they can find the strength to fight on.

I’m lucky to no longer have suicidal ideation*, a combination of a great support network and medication has allowed me to get to a place of safety inside myself. So I write the following poems from my place of safety, from a place of happiness, in an effort to help you understand.

And to those of you suffering, please do not give up. It can get better.

A Poem On Suicide

It hurts, it aches
Like never before,
The pain inside
Digs deep it’s claw.

There’s no way out,
There’s no escape.
This is my life,
This is my fate.

I’m at the end,
Can take no more,
Pass pills or noose
Let’s end the war.

But wait, inside, a whisper’s heard.
So quiet, like the wings of birds.
It tells of hope and curious things,
The future may have yet to bring.

So quiet it is, but still it’s there,
I listen hard, not yet aware
That little voice desperate to be
Alive is actually me.

I’ve swallowed pills and made the noose
But that little voice has been let loose.
And so I cease, I’ll fight once more
Pick up my arms and reset the score.

You Know Not What It Is Like

You know not what it is like
To know despair as intimately as I.
To wish to die as regularly as I.

You know not what it is like
To feel truly hopeless.
To not see beyond the darkness.

You know not what it is like
To live in a world with no colour.
To hear birds sing and feel nothing.

You know not what it is like
To feel lost everyday.
To be forever overwhelmed by emotion.

You know not what it is like
And I pray you never discover
For even in my darkness, I wish you light.

Prose for Thought
*This was not actually true when I wrote this post in 2013, I was just in a period of remission. In 2018 I still have suicidal ideation but rarely now.

16 comments

  1. Sheri

    From one survivor to another, this is excellent. You are awesome, I’m so glad you’re my friend.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Aww thanks huni 🙂 I’m very glad you’re my friend too!

  2. MummaG

    I lost a friend to suicide it was heartbreaking but having suffered those deep depressive thoughts in the past I could somewhat understand. This post made me cry, a little with sadness but a lot with hope because there are some, including people like you, who come out of the darkness and are able to bless us with their light. x

    1. Mrs TeePot

      I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I think for those who haven’t felt the despair it is very difficult to understand or explain. I just hope that people who are in that place can get through it and see that there can be a future

  3. Fyremane Foxx

    i was borderline suicidel for many, many years myself. Thankfully i found my way out of that place, Now im just plane INSANE!

  4. Kelloggsville

    Yes.

    I had years of it. I’ve settled in a ‘good’ period for the longest time now but

    Yes, I get you.

    X

  5. Stephanie

    I am glad you have written about this difficult topic. This is so important. That we are not quiet about these things. It’s funny timing actually as I am just thinking about a piece that would be pretty revealing too, it’s not ready yet though.

    This is brave and bold work. Inspiring. I am glad you are not in that place anymore.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Thanks. You’re right that it’s so important we speak up about it, it’s the only way to remove the taboo that surrounds suicide.
      I look forward to reading your piece when it is ready.

  6. BlueBeretMum

    I admire your strength in writing about such a difficult topic. I’ve lost two friends to suicide when I was a teenager and I wish there had been more awareness around subjects like that then. I’m glad you are better.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      I am so sorry for your losses.

  7. Dragonsflypoppy-White Feathers

    I take my hat off to you for writing about such an important topic that is all too often taboo. I’m so pleased that you are no longer in that place. I know people who have been affected by suicide and it destroys so many. I had no idea that today was World Suicide Prevention day. Thank you for raising my awareness. x #Prose4T

  8. Cathie B

    Without saying too much, I just want to say ‘Thank You’ for this poem xxxxxx

  9. Verily Victoria Vocalises

    A subject that is so common place but so often not spoken about. You are so brave to write this post and these poems – which I hope will help someone else who is in the position today that you once were. Wonderful poetry, a brave piece of writing from a talented lady. I’m glad you are with us. Thank you for linking to Prose for Thought xx

  10. Helen

    A really difficult topic but beautifully handled and written.

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Thank you, it’s something very close to my heart

  11. Weewifie @ One Epic Holiday

    Very brave post. As someone who has also attempted suicide, I also loved the poems. The first one in particular

    Gotta keep fighting the good fight

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