Yesterday we went for a walk, “the allotment walk” said my parents. I had visions of quaint allotments with shaded paths between them, maybe an orchard or two. Peace and calm and the beauty of nature, thought I, and I suppose if I didn’t have an anxiety disorder that’s what I would have got. But I do. So I didn’t.
See when I go out walking I am out of my comfort zone so my anxiety is heightened anyway, so any little thing is dangerous to me. See that road that you barely notice as you cross is a massive danger zone to me. That ledge that drops away that you just walk past is a huge cliff edge. That slope you have to climb down that you whiz down thinking it’s fun, that’s a slide to death.
My mind is just constantly filled with what could happen, what could go wrong, the ways I, or someone I love, could die. It’s horrible to not be able to enjoy anything because of the focus on possibilities that will no doubt never happen and it’s getting worse as I get older.
I know it sounds stupid and over paranoid but when that’s all that’s going through your mind it’s very difficult to help feeling scared. And sadly when I feel scared I get grumpy, I return to that teenage mood of anger and petulance, it just happens. It seems that when I’m scared I regress to my teenage years as a way to deal, it’s not healthy or useful, but it just happens.
So yesterday wasn’t very fun for me. And it’s hard to explain.