I thought I was dealing pretty well with March (my birthday month) this year. Since my Dad died nearly 10 years ago (wow is it really that long?) I’ve struggled through March with my depression kicking in pretty hard without any trigger other than the turn of the month. But this year I thought I was doing well, I thought I was stronger and better than I have been in recent times and it was going to go off without a hitch.
But no, when March hit I still found myself in that downward spiral with nothing I can do to get out of it. I cast a healing spell for my cold which actually sent my depression packing for a day, but today it’s back and I fear it will be hanging around until my birthday has been and gone.
It’s now a subconscious thing. Despite being in a place where I can think about him and remember the good times without floods of tears, for some reason my birthday is so incredibly hard without him that my subconscious can’t deal.
I know he wouldn’t want it, he’d want me to enjoy it and have fun and all that jazz, but without my consent my brain chemistry falls apart and I find myself stuck in that awful place where nothing is fun and no one can help.
It will pass. April will come and spring will appear and life will go on, I just have to hang on in there until it does.