You may have spotted that I had a date yesterday, what you probably hadn’t spotted is the emotional roller coaster that went with it.
See first there was the fear. The hoping he wouldn’t come. The shaking. The knocking back beta blockers and rescue remedy to quell the terror rising up from within.
Then there was the ecstasy. The thrill. The sheer happiness. The future suddenly lit with flood lights of possibilities.
Then the panic. The questioning. The watching it all disintegrate. The whole world collapsing over things that haven’t happened and may never happen. The fear again.
Over and over depending on my mood, on whether I’m with them in person or not, on how they acted with me, on how I think they acted with me, on what I imagine is going on in their head. All dependant on whether my brain chemicals are yielding to their man-made masters.
Adding another stress factor such as a relationship into the mix for someone like me is hard, and I’m beginning to think it’s too much. That I’ll never be able to handle it.
How do you handle it?
How do you handle your feelings being completely beyond your control? Being in love one minute, hating them the next. Being broken hearted at one wrong word or falling in love over one tiny gesture.
This is my life and I want to share it with someone, but not if it means all this.