The Change

Not that one. This is a different one. A change I didn’t realise was happening…I didn’t even realise it was needed!

Turns out I’ve been sad. Like, really sad. Not just living with depression and stuff, but sad on top of that. Sad with life. And stressed.

And then the other day this photo was taken of me, and look at it…

I got it!

I’m smiling. Not just smiling, but really smiling. That smile that comes from your eyes, from in your soul, from being honestly happy.

I’m still a wreck when it comes to mental health; still bursting into tears and having my odd ups and downs. But I’m happy, and I didn’t even realise that I hadn’t been.

You know what’s made that change happen, along with a load of other stuff, is the lack of stress. Sure I still get upset by my mum’s drinking, frustrated at the hoovering at stupid o’clock and irritated at random bits and bobs. But, essentially, what has brought this change about is being treated like a child.

  • I don’t deal with money anymore: I get 5€ a week and I can manage that. I don’t have to comprehend bills, fight the urge to spend any money that comes in when I’m a bit of the wall or even think about cash. If I want something, I add it to my list if I can’t afford it, or I check my purse and I buy it. That’s it.
  • I don’t have any responsibilities: I just focus on me, selfish as that is, and making sure I’m ok. My responsibilities stretch to remembering to eat, drink and take my meds, maybe a little further but you get the picture. There’s no big looming anything over my head that, when I mess up, will come crashing down bringing my world with it.
  • I can do what I love: If I feel creative I have the space and the inspiration to write or photograph. And because I have that space, I feel more creative. I’ve written poetry without being in the depths of depression, I’ve read, I’ve learnt about photography by doing it, and soon (hopefully) I’ll be getting paid to do it too, on my time, with no pressure of everyday work.
  • I’ve let go enough to take control: Before I was constantly trying to keep up that juggling act, the pretence that everything was ok. Now I’ve had to let go, essentially the balls have been confiscated, so I’ve had to let it go. And now I can actually use the insight into my illness(es) to my advantage. I’ve printed off several feelings lists and rainbows and I carry them with me so I can just point at how I feel. Just holding them makes me feel better, knowing that I had the forethought to do that, that I can express how I feel when I’m at my least expressive. If I need to cry, I don’t hold it in and let it morph into anger any more, I go and cry. I just let it go. And then it’s gone and I can carry on again.
  • I can sleep: I still have the odd night where I struggle, but in general I can sleep. Sure, the meds will be helping, but there’s no whirling, worrying, panicking storm in my head every night. The nightmares have all but stopped.
So I want to thank my parents, for dragging me out here, kicking and screaming, and having the patience to wait for me to realise the benefits. And also for taking charge of my epic, epic mess so I can get better.

Thank you

9 comments

  1. JunkFoodColin

    After all that worry you had about moving to France.Have you learnt not to fear the unknown?

    1. Mrs TeePot

      I know, still terrified of the unknown but I must be getting somewhere!

  2. Louise @ One Epic Holiday

    aww that’s fabulous. I’m so glad you’ve found the move to france the beginning and not the end 🙂 sounds like things are going great. I’m guessing the new meds have settled down now which is fabby! How do you get on with the new psyche? xxx

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Thanks hun 🙂 Yea, new meds are starting to settle too. New psych is lovely, seeing him once a month 🙂

  3. Tribbs

    Let’s all compare this post to ‘Hair-gate mark 2’ on July 17th!! So happy for you Livi my love. xxx

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Shcoking how far I’ve come isn’t it! 😀 thanks sweety!

  4. Hannah Rachel Potter

    I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to read this post 🙂 I’m so pleased things are starting to settle down, and that you can concentrate on just being you xxx

    1. Mrs TeePot

      Oh bless you, thanks sweety 🙂

  5. Michael Lawson

    When I first saw this photo, I thought you had turned a corner and started down a more positive branch of the path of life. I didn’t want to say anything to influence your thought process, and I am SOOO glad you’ve seen the difference. I hope the next stages of your journey just keep bringing you more happiness, less stress, and better balance…..And if I were you , I would print an 8×10 of this and hang it next to an 8×10 of the one of your step dad. Moments to always remember for many reasons.

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