It may have come to your attention that everyone is doing something this November; writing novels (NaNoWriMo), posting every day (NaBloPoMo) and podcasting daily (NaPodPoMo) to name but a few. They’re all great ways to push your creativity and I’d love to take part in one or all of them, but…
I can’t guarantee that I’ll be in any state to take part each day. I tried the 365 project (where you post a photo every day for a year), I dropped out after becoming so stressed with it and crying when I missed my first day. It’s insane, yes, but that’s the name of the game when you live with mental illness. When I tried the 365 it showed up many of the things I struggle with due to my mental health problems: I constantly forgot I was doing it, only to remember at nearly midnight. I battled with my anxiety when I saw shots I *had* to take for the 365 but I couldn’t bring myself to get them. I beat myself up for not progressing with my photography. I was distraught when I failed. It was, essentially, a huge mistake.
And I hate that. I hate that even trying was a mistake. Trying should never be a mistake, it should just be a way to learn what’s for you and what’s not, but my world is much like Yoda’s, “Do or do not, there is not try,” only in my case it’s mostly do not.
So I’d love to do NaNoWriMo and try to find a novel in me, or any book, but I know there is no way that I can commit to writing every day. It may turn out that November is an awesome month for me and I’m fine the whole way through, but that’s a bonus, not a likelihood. There is every chance that at some point in November I will find myself unable to think clearly, unable to get out of bed and basically unable to function.
So that’s why I’m not doing any of them. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s that I can’t put myself through the obscene amounts of stress and have to face up to my mental health issues every single day.
Just another reason that being mentally ill sucks.