Not in the cutlery sense! For an explanation of “Spoon Theory” whiz over here, it makes total sense, I promise.
But now seriously, does anyone out there have any spare spoons? because I am all out right now. Between uni, secret (awesome) stuff happening, other secret (possibly awesome) stuff happening, lack of sleep and forgetting to eat I’m not doing so well. Shattered doesn’t even cover it. Not even my NipandFab concealer can save me now! (review to come, promise!)
I’m pushing too hard, I know that. I’m doing uni work in 4-6 hour bursts, with no break. Then I’m doing some writing, or reading (either for uni, or for the writing), then I’m trying to have a conversation with friends so they don’t feel neglected. Uni itself is exhausting enough. In spoon terms by the time I get to the lecture theatre I’m already at least 7 spoons down, and that’s without getting dressed or remembering to eat, that’s just the “main” stuff. I never realised just how exhausting it is to be on high alert from the anxiety all the time, before I just hid in my own little world so I was fine and didn’t have to contend with it, now I don’t have that option.
I’m beating myself up too, for no reason. They know that I can’t make it in all the time. They know that I’m doing my best. But still I feel like I’m in the wrong, like I should be there, every day, at every lecture, like I don’t have a reason. I do have a reason, a medical reason, but somehow I’ve adopted the “it’s not a real illness” thinking held by a vast majority of the public. I have no clue why. Maybe it’s just another way to beat myself up but it’s rubbish, and I know that because I live it! So for my own benefit: my illness is just as real as any physical illness. There will be times that I can’t do it and I will have to make the decision not to go, and there will be times where it will be fine, mostly it will be average but exhausting, and I need to accept that.
On Saturday I spent the morning at work because everybody was either off sick or on holiday. I haven’t been in for about 3 weeks because I just haven’t had the energy after uni, but they needed me so off I went. I managed to walk into a pole while I was there. A pole that has been there the whole time that I’ve worked there, a pole I have never walked into before. Worse, I wasn’t even distracted, my eyes were open, but the first I knew that it was there was when my head smacked against it, followed by the rest of me. I’m pretty sure that gives you an idea of just how tired I am.
Sleep is just not happening. And when I do finally nod off I either a) have to get up for uni, b) am woken by the postman or c) just wake up every couple of hours of my own accord. I can assure you that it is not fun. Even when I am asleep I’m having nightmares, and I’m sure that’s not good for quality of sleep. My brain just wont switch off. Ever. I am quite literally running on empty with no break in sight.
How do you folks do it? How do you juggle work, parenting, blogging, socialising, “me” time, and everything else you do and not end up like this? Is this just a symptom of my anxiety/depression? Do I need to learn to spread my spoons out more? Or are there some top tips that you can give me to end this insanity as soon as possible? Believe me, any and all suggestions will be greatly appreciated! Oh, and if I don’t reply, I’ve probably collapsed from lack of spoons!