At the moment I look the best I’ve looked, well, ever. I’m the slimmest and lightest I’ve ever been, I’m eating whatever I like and still losing weight, my boobs have grown again (oh yes!) and I’m finally learning how to dress myself (fashionably, not just in general!). And yet it is now, in the middle of summer, surrounded by beautiful flowers, warm sunshine and gorgeous, scantily clad people, that my brain decides it’s time to crash and burn. Why now? Why do I look outside, see the sunshine flooding into my kitchen and burst into uncontrollable sobs? Why now, when I look in the mirror and actually like the person who stands in it, can I not bear to face her? Why now, with so much going for me: starting uni, job I love, hot, flirtatious folks asking me on dates and things, has my mood come crashing down?
I suppose that’s why it’s depression, because there is no reason to it. There doesn’t have to be anything “wrong” with life, after all, if there was then it’d just be a “bad day” but it’s so hard. It’s so hard to hear songs that I know I love but have them have no effect on me, to watch favourite shows and not be able to take them in, to eat favourite foods but not taste them. It’s so hard to just be numb to life, nothing external evokes an internal reaction, it’s just agonising emotional pain. Today I lay in bed when I got in from work and just cried. Not little tears, the huge, rolling ones that are accompanied by loud sobs and a physical hurt that nearly matches the internal one.
It seems I’m not the only one, there are several posts in my google reader from people who’ve suddenly been hit with depression, people who were doing so well and have suddenly have the rug pulled from under them. Much like Hypomanic Girl, I am sick of being sick. I’m exhausted by the constant battle. (It’s not being helped by the state of life at the moment and I’ve nearly emailed the ass hole to ask why he’s done what he’s done several times, I know he’s still reading too which is a mystery when he’s shacked up with someone else. Maybe I should just fly out there and have it out with him. The last time I saw him he was holding me and telling me how much he loved me: this is why people are supposed to break up in person.) I’m sick of the game playing, of how cruel people are, of how unfair life is.
So in the words of Anastasia, “I’m sick and tired of always being sick and tired.”