I’ve been watching re runs (and the new season) of “How to look good naked”, hosted by Aunty Gok. If you don’t know what the show is about or who Gok is I’m not going to tell you, instead I’m going to pretend that you haven’t been hiding under a rock for the past however many confidence building, awesomely styled years. So anyway, I’ve been watching a lot of Gok of late and it has fascinated me to note just how much my confidence (or shamelessness) changes with my emotions: when I’m low I watch and the idea of doing a naked photo shoot fills me with fear, I can’t imagine anything worse and would do anything to avoid it. When I’m up though, it’s a whole different story, I would happily strut down that cat walk butt naked, head held high, shaking everything I’ve got.
As well as being interesting, it’s also quite horrifying to realise how much my mental health affects me in every way. Every aspect of my personality, every opinion I hold, even my taste changes with my mood. While I’ll accept that someone’s taste in music can alter slightly depending on their mood, I find myself disliking favourite songs and replacing them with things I’d never listen to normally, the girls at work have noticed that my clothing is incredibly varied, my taste in books changes so much that I find myself stopping reading because the book that I was engrossed in no longer appeals. I blogged before about lateness and how I consider myself to be very punctual, and I am normally, but I have been late for work every day this week (and will be again today thanks to writing this post), that’s a huge personality shift, especially given I didn’t even phone them to warn them. I’m no expert but I’m going to hazard a guess that that’s not normal!
It’s tough for those around me, as my mum pointed out the other day, but it’s damned hard for me too. I’ve eaten steak twice in the past two weeks: I hate steak normally. I bought tangfastics yesterday: I hate anything sour. How am I supposed to know myself, or explain myself to other people, when “myself” changes so constantly. Normally I just use the “I’m exciting, it’s like dating loads of different people, you’ll never be bored” line, but what if I just want to be normal? And by “normal” I mean consistent. I’m dreaming of a time where I can say something to someone and know that it will remain true, a time when I don’t have to change the music on my ipod or my ringtone almost daily, a time when I am a constant.
(Apologies for rushed post, mistakes, lack of sense, etc!)
p.s. I’d love some more comments on yesterdays post, especially from folks who have experience with the mental health system. Thanks for the ones I’ve had already, they were all great 🙂