Dear So and So: Anxiety…again

Dear TiLi,

First, and most importantly, I hope you know how proud I am of you. Proud that you remembered all we’ve learned over the past 18 months training together, proud that you listened to Oma, proud that you weren’t distracted by me or the crowds, and, of course, proud that you placed 1st in nursery agility. You were amazing round that course, spot on, you gave it all you had and I am bursting with pride.

But I am also sorry. I am very sorry, and very sad, that it wasn’t me who went round the courses with you. I am angry and frustrated with myself that I couldn’t do it. I am sorry to have let you down when you would never have let me down. I am sorry that Team TiPot did not come good on the day, maybe next year, I can hope.

Lots of love but apologies too,
Mummy

Dear Mum,

Thank you for stepping in and taking TiLi round the courses. You were amazing and I really appreciate you doing it for me, and for TiLi. I know you were baking hot and flagging by the 3rd and 4th courses, but you were still really fast and really good at handling her.

Thank you,
Livi

Dear Step-Dad,

Thank you for taking me the second day of the weekend, for supporting me just by being there. I hope you weren’t too hot!

Well done on yours & TiLi’s “Most Appealing Eyes” win! Maybe Rupert will get a look in next year!

Lots of love,
Livi

Dear Me,

I know you are disappointed, angry, frustrated and generally feeling very negative about yourself right now. I know it was a weekend of mixed emotions. I know how much you wanted to be in that ring, running round with TiLi, but know that it’s OK. You did your best, you were there, you did the photos, you did good. TiLi got to show her stuff, you went, spent 2 days there surrounded by people you didn’t know, and you didn’t have a panic attack, you didn’t cry or run and hide, you controlled your anxiety well. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Maybe next year will be better. Maybe next year Team TiPot will ride again, or maybe not, but either way it will be OK.

One day you will be able to do this stuff with TiLi, one day it will be you in the ring, enjoying it, not stressed or anxious about it, one day, I don’t know when, but I believe in you, even though you have lost hope.

Be nice to yourself,

Lots of love,
You